I've met J 2 years back, she was my ex-colleague and my subordinate. I've never exepcted I would get into a relationship with her due to our profession status in the office, however we got out clubbing one fine day and things took its course from there. During the early days of our relationship, it was of a typical type, I wasn't serious that time as I know I wont end up with any outcome with her. I also learnt that she broke-up with her ex that cheated her not long after we started. There was one period she was seeing her ex whilst being with me. There isn't anything much I can do to stop her as I was very in love with her and holding the hope that she would one day accept me whole heartedly. I always felt that I was a temporary replacement deep inside me and also as a means of a kill time companion. J always made me confused of how she feels for me, for she treats me as a friend, a good friend, a lover or even an ex-bf for that means. Thats because our relationship has been on a constant roller coaster with multiple occasions of break-ups and make-ups. Usually its simple, when she breaks up with me (I mean dumped me, sometimes for another guy, sometimes incompatibility), I would have just carry on completely cut off all communications.
Just when most of our break-up periods mature to a certain level, J would usually contact me and start dating me or shall I say asking me out for dinner or lunch on a casual basis, as if we're good friends, but her actions had always kept me wonder, what is it she wanted. J usually kept the cut-off period not to prolonged for too long. Could she have been dumped by another guy or is she bored? Or is she looking for opportunities to get back together, but everytime I asked her, she always says that I'm not her type. And this is happening for the past 2 freaking years already. There is a part of me that is very fed-up and tired, whereas another part of me still foolishly awaiting for her to accept me back and wanting her to be my wife. Perhaps it is our age barrier, she is a very adventurous person and I'm rather the conservative in relationship. I knew she has been seeing many guys out there that she never share or kept away from my knowledge even as friends. Perhaps I have not earned her trust, or perhaps she wants to be another person for me.
What I need to decipher right now is that of late, we recently kinda broke off again, as I was trying very hard to please her and make her accept me. But not long after that, she started sharing with me that she had met the guy she was looking for, her perfect guy that has the exact personality liked her in a club. I was so angry and jealous! Maybe due to the fact I haven't gave up and she found someone else. She mentioned so many wonderful things about this guy, his good looks, good built, good career, got a car, condo, bla bla bla and a PR in UK. Yeah, so maybe its these qualities that I dont have with me YET! But not long after they got together, and they started in the first week, he left to UK for his job assignments. So there she is, still here perhaps lonely, started asking me to company her for lunches and dinners and even gyms. Just last night she shared with me that she has lost communication with him, but she still likes him. Damn. And I have to pretend cool about it? I don't know whether this guy exists coz all I know about him is thru her and his funny english name. Am I being treated as a temporary replacement again to kill time? Or am I being foolish again thinking there might be a chance for us to get together and even married or am I just stupid enough to even think about it.
If anyone is reading this post, please leave some comments or some advise to help me decipher this confusion. The ultimate question would be, does she still like me and wanna get back together or NOT?
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